Virtue over Vibes: A Modern Courtship Manifesto
Love Isn’t a Disorder, Courtship Is Not Cringe, and You Deserve the Real Thing
Who Are You? And Why Are You Here?
You could stare at these words for days, trying to find the right answer.
But when you're about to begin the epic search for a husband or a wife, these questions become more than philosophical—they become foundational.
Who am I? And why am I here?
Get this as clear as you can before wild emotions begin to whip you around in your search for love. And they will whip you around. Brace yourself.
These two questions are good ones to be able to answer, especially in a world increasingly comfortable with labeling your desire to form a strong bond with the opposite sex as some kind of disorder.
Let’s be clear about this: You are not unwell for wanting love.
Love Is Not a Disease
Somewhere along the way, after being told women were the same as men in everything, we were sold the lie that love is a sickness. That catching feelings is death by humiliation. That needing someone is weakness.
Well, it’s a lie. Possibly the biggest and sickest lie being peddled right now.
I don’t know exactly why or for whose benefit—it’ll differ from case to case—but it is a lie.
A society terrified of limits and allergic to rules is now breaking down not just our relationships but our biology. Fertility rates are plummeting across the developed world. The loneliness epidemic is now a public health crisis.
And I wouldn’t say a word about any of this if people were genuinely happy.
But people are lost.
Loveless.
Deeply alone.
And I’m a romantic.
I want weddings. I want babies. I want wrinkled hands clasped together on deathbeds.
I want love—everlasting love—for my beautiful fellow humans.
After years of reflecting on this topic, listening to experts, wasting far too much time and well-being on relationships that went nowhere—or worse, went to hell—and finally finding someone I can truly call my Prince Charming…
I have a few tips.
Today we’ll explore Tip #1: Know The Four Stages Of Virtue
1. KNOW THE FOUR STAGES OF VIRTUE
Why are you dating? Why are you courting? What is this all about?
“Oh, I just want her!”
“I want him!”
We’re not here for superficial reasons—and if you are, you’ll get a reality check real quick.
As Fr. Chad Ripperger says, we’re looking for virtue. Whether we know it or not, we’re searching for someone good—someone who will last the course.
Fr. Ripperger breaks virtue into four stages, and when I look back at the relationships I’ve gone through to finally find my virtuous husband (and become a virtuous wife), I wish I had known this.
Maybe it wouldn’t have changed my youth.
Then again… maybe it would’ve helped me leave dead-end situations sooner.
The Four Stages of Virtue (Gen Z Edition)
For fun, I asked ChatGPT to break down Fr. Ripperger’s Four Stages of Virtue into Gen Z-speak — to help the younger generation vibe.
1. Viciousness (aka: I’m the Problem, It’s Me)
What’s happening: You do bad stuff and think it’s fine. You don’t feel bad. You’re not self-aware — you're just out here raw-dogging life and calling it “vibes.”
Vibe check: "Yeah I ghost people and manipulate them, but like, I’m just being real."
Moral GPS: LOST. No signal. No maps. You think the wrong path is the right path.
IRL example: Cheating and thinking you're clever for not getting caught.
Self-awareness: 0/10 — you’re in your villain era… unironically.
2. Incontinence (aka: I Know It’s Toxic But I'm Still Texting Him)
What’s happening: You know right from wrong. But you’re weak. The group chat enables you. Your willpower? LOL.
Vibe check: “I said I wouldn’t hook up with him again... then he Snapchatted me ‘wyd.’ Now I’m crying in the Uber.”
Moral GPS: Working… but you keep ignoring the reroute.
IRL example: Blowing your rent money on impulse buys. Regret kicks in post-checkout.
Self-awareness: 6/10. Brain is online. Heart is still feral.
3. Continence (aka: I Wanted To Be Messy But I Chose Peace)
What’s happening: You still want to do dumb stuff… but you don’t. You pause. You breathe. You choose growth.
Vibe check: “I typed the whole paragraph but deleted it. Growth.”
Moral GPS: Following the directions now. Still annoyed, but improving.
IRL example: Someone’s petty online and you don’t subtweet. You journal. You hydrate.
Self-awareness: 8/10. The inner goblin is there, but you’re driving the bus now.
4. Virtue (aka: You’re Actually a Good Person, Not Just Aesthetically)
What’s happening: You don’t even want the toxic stuff anymore. You crave the good. The real. The peace.
Vibe check: “It’s giving healed. It’s giving adulting. It’s giving soul glow.”
Moral GPS: Fully charged. Perfect signal. You’re the friend people call for life advice now.
IRL example: You set boundaries. Communicate clearly. You’re emotionally available.
Self-awareness: 10/10. Basically Yoda with better skincare.
My Experience
I spent a decade in Stage 2 without realizing it wasn’t okay.
I wasn’t a victim — I was an enabler.
I entered relationships based on feelings alone. As a feminist, I wasn’t even sure why I was there. I was told I was “one of the boys.” That I could and should engage like them.
I found out the hard way — I’m not one of the boys.
I’m a woman in search of virtue.
And if we’re honest… I don’t even think the boys are “one of the boys.” They want to become virtuous men, whether they know it or not.
We’re all in search of virtue.
The sooner we start leading with it, the clearer our path will be. Virtue beats compatibility.
On paper, my husband and I wouldn’t have been matched. But in virtue, we were the perfect pair.
On Female Desire and Truth Bombs
Gonna say something hard to the ladies:
You’re looking for virtue — you need virtue — but you’ll be attracted to vampires, beasts, sadistic surgeons, and pirates. I don’t make the rules.
This is the core of the female sexual fantasy, as outlined in A Billion Wicked Thoughts, a book based on the data of billions of porn and erotica searches.
It turns out women aren’t innocent little flowers. We’re just as weird as men… maybe weirder.
This “Beauty and the Beast” fantasy is our version of seeking power through sex. And it’s as skewed as men using sex to wield power.
I don’t blame women for this. We’ve had a massive education gap.
But this is new and important information.
What we’re really looking for is love, lightness…and virtue.
You are not the victim here.
It’s 2025. I’m not here to tell anyone to abstain from sex — but I will ask you to understand it.
We now have the data.
We’ve lost some beauty in the modern world sure — but we’ve gained information. And information becomes wisdom when we apply it well.
Know thy self.
You’re virtue searching for virtue.
So learn to control your fleshly desires, — or they’ll end up controlling (or destroying) you.
We’ll talk next week with tip 2: Sex Is Fun, But It’s Serious Business.
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It helps me find the time to seriously think about very serious topics like Love.
I like this approach, Abigail!!
From the male side all of those stages ring true as well and it was helpful to see the progression broken down in relatable examples - and from a female perspective.
It keeps bringing to mind, that we are intentionally manipulated into maintaining levels of “Arrested development”, for as long as possible. Stage 1 & 2 are the backbone of all media propaganda and the entertainment industries - on the whole.
Looking forward to the next article.
Well done! I was thinking the other day that once upon a time not too long ago we knew the difference between infatuation and real love. Maybe we are heading back in that direction...I hope so